There are some moments in our lives that define how we live.
Living through the death of a beloved one is certainly one of them.
This is when Grief arrives as a painful pause, a silence that speaks loudly that everything has changed.
Where feelings of solitude and despair become present in that aching hole inside your chest. Where all seems to move in slow-motion. When dealing with Grief seems impossible.
A numbness that hurts.
Grief is not only about a person you love that has departed, but it is also about everything related to that person and the way of living you used to have together.
It is the mourning of all the dreams you wanted to see realized with the beloved one. It is thinking about the places you wanted to travel together or even the most annoying things your beloved one used to do.
The manner of death plays a key role in the way you get hit by the pain of loss, and the way a loved one passes can shake your beliefs. You may find yourself asking, “Why him/her? Why that way? What could I have done to prevent it?”
This questioning happens because death often brings a certain sort of self-blaming rooted in things that you wished you had said or done.
Surviving a near-death experience is unnerving, and watching someone suffering before death can be horrible and debilitating.
And when a loved one dies tragically, it feels like you die with that person every day, chained and twisted in pain like Prometheus. This relentless, unbearable torment will eventually become intermittent. Until then, it seems endless.
Dealing with a beloved one’s death also awakens in us that uncomfortable truth that we are also mortals.
You may begin to wonder how much time you have left or to picture the circumstances around your demise. You may wonder what you will find on the other side or if, indeed, there is another side at all.
Fernando Pessoa, a poet who has countless times rescued me from my wreckage, whispers gently:
“Death is a bend in the road,
To die is to slip out of sight.
If I listen, I hear your steps
Existing as I exist.”
This is when I begin to find a light in the midst of darkness, seeing Life through Death.
Are we only blood and flesh?! No, we are not.
We are also consciousness. We are feelings and thoughts that transcend this linear world.
The merciless Death may take away from you, in the physicality, a hug, a broken cup of tea, a missed call; it may slip your beloved one out of your sight.
Yet Death still has not found a way to defeat Love.
When the body fades away from your sight, you do not have to quit on that person or on your love.
That person’s consciousness lives still, somewhere. It is also alive in your heart, in your memories, in your soul.
And this is when even Death becomes a different way of living.
Your suffering and eventual self-blaming that might come with a loss transforms into something different when you free yourself to Love beyond Death.
- You may not have said all you wanted, but you can still say it.
- You may not have asked for forgiveness, but you can still do it.
- You may miss saying, “I love you,” but you can still say it, every day, as many times as you want.
- You need only be silent to feel the presence of your beloved one, to attain a new way of communication, to feel a hug in a more subtle way.
- You will feel angry, frustrated, lost, and afraid at times, and it is fine to cry and comfort yourself and ask for help.
- You will realize that life is bigger than just this linear, material realm. You will break the chains.
And this is when you will begin finding a comfort, allowing yourself to be re-united with the one you ‘lost,’ mending your broken pieces.
As Death is heartbreaking, Love is kindness and comfort.
As Death requires rituals and special clothing, Love likes simplicity.
Love can be found in pomposity, sure, but most certainly is found in normal, ordinary things.
Love just wants you to bring your awareness to your beloved one who has departed.
You do not need to be a poet.
Love just wants you to speak your heart and then listen.
Love holds your hand and carries you in its arms when you cry. Love does not judge you, nor does it rush you out of Grief.
Love is sweet.
Love, with its simplicity, raises the veil between the visible and invisible worlds; it reminds you to be kind to yourself, to forgive yourself, and to manifest love and kindness here, there, and everywhere. And this is when Love trumps Death.
Sending you Love and Comfort,